Moment of Lowest Depression

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Junior (College 3rd year) ・English ・MLA

Most people are unaware that they are depressed until the depression has progressed to the point that it is impacting their lives to the point that they consider suicide. Being depressed, particularly in stressful circumstances, is common, but having persistent symptoms of depression is extremely harmful and necessitates a great deal of attention and treatment. In the case of adolescents, parental responsibility in attempting to direct the teens on how to grow up morally and avoid pitfalls that can have negative effects on the teenagers' future lives can often be overwhelming. The fact that this happens at the moment when the teenagers are going through a lot of emotional changes can result in a lot of arguments between the parents and adolescents since most of them want to independently make their choices and have a feeling of independence from the people guiding their lives. Some of the teenagers might end up being depressed by the same due to the circumstances and tension between the parents and students or a realization of a mistake that could have been insisted by the parent.

In this regard, the essay focuses on lessons from a personal experience in which as a teenager there were a lot of arguments between my mom and me until the fateful day in which she got involved in an accident leading to a coma that lasted for an eternity of six months. During this period the problem got worse each day as I fought with the guilt and the need to apologize and make amends with my mom. The fact that the availability of the opportunity made the depression more severe since I never knew at the point whether my mom could make it from the comma. The paper will look into the nature of the early symptoms of the depression, how I got into the situation the development of the problem into various stages during my mom's accident and eventually how I managed to overcome the situation through self-efforts and psychiatric help.

The problem with mom started due to the feeling that she had too much hands-on on every action that I was taking especially after joining the senior high school. As a result, mom could disapprove of every action and also direct me in every action I should be involved. During this time, my mom could want to know what friends I was involved in, how to act around girls and several pieces of advice on how to avoid being involved in bad relationships. However, I felt that she was too much involved in my personal life and some of the topics of advice could not only make me guilty on some of the actions I was taking such as having a relationship at that point. The fact that she raised me as a single mom since I never lacked an opportunity to know father was enough reason and pressure for her in raising me as the only child. Every day he struggled with odd jobs to make ends meet especially the provision of food and my education.

As a result of this denial, my grades in school were starting to drop, and this made her anxious and the more she got involved in trying to understand what was happening. According to her, she needed me to be at the top of my education and take it seriously as the only way her sacrifices could receive awards is through having a decent and well-paying job. However, for me, some of the attacks only made me drift from my studies and feel that she was treating me in a mean way. As a result of this situation, every time I went to school could feel I was in a more peaceful area, and many friends appreciated whatever I did. However, every moment I was heading home I could only see my mother getting too personal with my life and trying to now each detail which could result in many arguments. Having this feeling for the whole year led to a frosty relationship with my mother since in most cases I could lock myself in my bedroom, skip meals or deny talking to her for some days as a way to avoid the arguments between her and me. What I did not realize at that time is that I was getting more depressed each day and the distance between the closest relative and guardian I had when growing. The situation was not only affecting me but my mom too who I could hear sometimes cry in her bedroom way especially when I compared myself to other children who were freer to do whatever they wanted.

In many situations, I could ask myself what the problem was really and if I was doing the right thing at the moment. In some cases, I could also be crying and deeply hurt when I see my mom bang her door to cry out her pain as a result of the arguments. In most cases, I could fight the guilt feeling off, and the situation could repeat itself. On this fateful day when I was in an English lesson, the school head teacher came to knock on the door summoning the teacher who was teaching in the middle of the lesson. After a small low-tone talk, the English teacher called out my name and asked me if I could join the head teacher for a while. No thought crossed that it could be my mom at the time, but I was asking myself what wrong I could have done or trouble that I had entered into, to cause the head teacher to come to me in person. However, the expression of the teacher’s face was not indicating anger but a feeling of sympathy. Had my mother not paid my fees? What could be wrong? All these thoughts raced through my mind, and I could not help it until we reached the office. The breaking of the news that my mom had been hit by a fast moving vehicle as she was crossing the road came like a bombshell. I ran several meters away on my way to home while some teachers and school staff followed me to calm me down. The process took almost five hours before I could come down and face the situation at the moment.

Finally, while at the hospital sitting there with the head teacher and an uncle whom the hospital had called, I could not help it but feel the guilt and reflect the nature I was treating my mom and the sacrifices she had made so that I could become successful in life. When I got an opportunity to see her, I could not even pull myself together to look at her but filled with sadness and guilt. Only that morning I had shouted to her face that I wished she were not my mom. The fear itself that I could lose my mother before making amends was too overwhelming. If I could only turn time and retrieve my words just to set myself straight with her, I could make amends at the time. The moment defined the start of the worst stage of clinical depression that I had to go through during the next few months up to a point I felt if my mother could die I will too. Every second during this time seem like an hour, and the start of the long wait for my mom to recover so I could tell her how wrong and sorry I was for the nature of the treatment. Perhaps, my attitude had filled her head, and she had lost concentration while crossing the road. To a great extent, I could feel I was directly responsible for her accident and eventually if it happens, her death. I could not bear to live with this guilt in my entire lifetime, and not even tears cold help me take the weight of the problem off my shoulders.

One important thing that led to the nature of the depression is the fact that most of the people around me did not know of the fights between mom and I. Therefore, they misinterpreted the situation that the nature of my withdrawal behavior as a result of the sudden accident and its effect on me. During the period, I hid most of the guilt feelings from anyone and despite the early counseling sessions which only addressed the issue of coping up with the accident and having faith that mom will get well and I should be strong for her to get recover from the comma. After the first two months, most of the counseling sessions were stopped, and the depression continued with the nature of the guilt and the fear that my mother might not make it from the situation. Every day I went to see my mom after cases I could not help see her in the condition she was in, not opening eyes and using oxygen machines to help her in breathing. Unlike before when I was happy in school, I always felt agitated to be alongside my mom since it was the most serene environment where I could reflect on my actions. Also, I could contemplate on how to make amends if she wakes up or how I could live with the guilt of what could have caused my mother’s death. The feelings were so intense that I could not control myself from the feelings.

The second symptom of my depression after the denial during the arguments which escalated to the second stage of the clinical depression was the withdrawal from the usual activities and friends. I could always be easily agitated and aggressive especially when one could make sensitive comments on my change of behavior. Unlike the belief of many that this was as a result of my mother's accident, the feelings were as a consequence of the anger I felt and the way I could not forgive or justify the nature of my actions towards my mom. In most of the situations, I only could think of my mom. I lost interest in the studies, and my grades were dropping at an alarming rate. The motivation behind my studying was to stabilize the financial situation at home and give mom a better life. However, the fear she might lose her life after such a long period of the comma and the fact that if she makes it our family will need a source of income forced me to feel I had lost sense in continuing with education. In case I would miss the mom, then my destination would be predetermined since I could end my life to avoid the nature of the feelings that I was going. As I came to realize later, there was a lot of distractions from the school, withdrawal from friends, and the need to being alone most of the times. Except for my mom’s company in the hospital though she could not talk or communicate in any way, most of the time I was alone doing nothing in particular but just thinking of my wrong actions. At this stage also, I thought much about who else I could have hurt and how I could make amends to have no other guilt. The hopes that helped me to sustain the situation were the hope raised by the doctors that someday my mom could wake up. Every day I could bring flowers to mom’s bedside before leaving for school and spend most of the evenings with my mom.

Another symptom is the nature in which I was rapidly losing weight during this time despite having poor eating habits. Sometimes I could eat too much, lack of exercise, irregular patterns of consumption and the distraction from an interest in food. Sometimes I could forget the time to eat until I feel an acute feeling of hunger. As a result, my weight by the time I received a diagnosis of clinical depression had grown into overweight without my realization. According to the diagnosis, some of the reasons for the increase in the weight are due to the nature of the poor sleeping patterns in which I could lack sleep for hour hours while stressed about the situation of my mother and how I could cope up with the reality at the time. The more I thought about the possibility of my dying while having the guilt, the more I felt I also needed to atone for my actions towards her through taking my life away. Nothing made more sense than my mother waking up and asking for her forgiveness so as to be at peace and change my life for the better and in a more responsible way. The fact that the situations made me realize my mistakes made me love her more and understand the nature of the challenges she has to go through to help me grow up upright. The fact that she was a single mom and I was the only child made me realize more the nature of her friendly approach and how much I hurt her through both my words and actions. Also, the feeling of guilt as a result of the accident effects and the effect on the ability to pay for my education and the normal eating also contributed to the realization of the mistakes.

The process of recovering from the depression situation started from the discovery and concern both from my friends, teachers and the doctors who were attending to my mom. During this period, the nature of the disassociation with my close friends and carelessness with my studies was evident in the school. Also, the nature of my frequent visits to the hospital and the constant crying made the doctors realize maybe there could be more into the reason for my falling into depression. As a way to help me recover, the group organized a visit in which they wanted to help me talk about my situation and look for ways in which they could help me improve. At this time I was also trying to make amends and accept the wrongs I had done hence it was easy to disclose this to the group which I realized was one of the significant steps that marked my recovery from the state I was by the end of the fourth month, my mom was in a comma. During the canceling session, I revealed to the group how my relationship with my mom was and how my last words had been a hangover for a long time before I could recover. In this state, the group recommended not only psychiatric help but also frequent visits and how they can give me a hand through sharing various experiences. As a result, my recovery started as a slow process.

Also, at this time my mother opened hers eyes at the beginning of the fifth month and was showing quick signs of recovery. Though she could not speak at the time, I had a determination to be strong for her and be there for her. I had to be serious with the therapy sessions and be happy for my mom. The guilt started to subside as she was removed from oxygen support and taken to the patient wards. While talking to her, she forgave me and starting the relationship afresh marked the first point of starting a responsible life and having the sense of life again. Frequent talks with mom also were helpful in overcoming the death wishes that existed before in my mind. Also, the situation helped us reconcile our differences and contributed to her accepting and explaining why she was hard on me recounting the experiences of her personal life and why she was concerned about me and my health. When she finally came home, with the help of their relatives and the support of the school, we organized a small homecoming party which made me realize that there are many people close to the family as well as the school who really care for others.

As part of the follow-up to fully regain my health, I had to reevaluate my goals in life and develop a daily routine for my activities. The process made me have purposeful engagements and working towards a particular outcome. Also, having exercised helped not only to refresh the mind and keep feet but an important step towards regaining my health. Also, changing the eating habits and keeping a good deity helped me to overcome the overweight issue and become more stable and have clear goals to achieve in my life and that of caring for my family. Lastly, through the recommendations of a psychiatrist, I was able to have enough sleep which helped clear my mind from the disturbing thoughts. As a result, the relationship with my mother improves significantly afterward.

In conclusion, the deep depression made me realize a lot of lessons about the causes of depression and how to detect it at an early stage. The realization is through the identification of the symptoms of the depression and the importance of being open to the therapy sessions in disclosing information that affects an individual's emotions. In fact, the more a person speaks up about the problems they face, the more it becomes easy for them to handle. Also, through learning on the stages of depression as a result of the accident involving my mother, I got an opportunity to understand the behavior of an individual at every stage individually. Lastly, the sessions with my friends, sharing experiences with my mom and the recovery processes and strategies from the direction of the psychiatrist were helpful in the healing process and served as enlightenment on the same too.

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