The Ongoing Debate of Abortion

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Freshman (College 1st year) ・Social Studies ・APA

In the introduction, can the writer capture your interest and explicitly express a clear purpose? If so, what techniques did he or she use to do this? If not, what recommendations do you have for improving the presentation and clarifying the purpose? The writer conveys the idea of what they are discussing in the first paragraph but lacks a succinct, explicitly outlined conclusion. Organizing the concepts scattered in the introductory paragraph into a single thesis argument can help concentrate the article. In addition, the first paragraph lacks a "hook." Perhaps a provocative fact about abortions would be appropriate to grab the reader’s attention.

  1. What is the writer’s thesis? What unique angle on the topic does the thesis present? What suggestions can you offer for improving the wording of the thesis?

The writer lacks a clear and concise thesis as written but what the writer is trying to convey in the paper is that abortion is not the only alternative and that abortions for arbitrary reasons like an unwanted pregnancy or rape go against the laws of man. As stated in question 1, the writer needs a clear, concise thesis statement to pull together the paper.

  1. What type of support does the writer use? Does this support help to prove the thesis statement? Is research integrated effectively with author tags and effective summaries, paraphrase, or direct quotes? Is the information presented logical and is it explained well? What suggestions can you offer the writer in terms of improving depth of information or presentation of research?

The writer uses two sources. One is a statistical source, the other is a list of key arguments for and against abortion. While both sources are effective, their use in the paper is of marginal use to the content and meaning of the message the writer is trying to get across. This paper needs a more scholarly-based argument to be effective and strong. Also, a case study approach might assist the writer in connecting with the reader on this very contentious issue.

  1. Is the paper organized effectively? Does the writer cover one point fully before moving on to the next? Are topic sentences and transitions used to deliver the paper in a coherent manner? What suggestions can you offer to increase organization and structure?

The writer has organized the paper well, however, the transitions between topics are a bit awkward sometimes. The paper itself covers the basics and makes the writer’s argument but a few more facts and details could make a good paper into a great paper. When transitioning from one topic to the next, phrase such as “In relation to…” or “Given that…” can help slide the reader from one portion of the paper to the next more smoothly.

  1. How would you describe the style, tone, and word choice used? What strategies does the writer use to connect with the audience? In what ways could the writer better meet the audience’s needs?

The writer uses a “matter of fact” style in their writing which gets their point across but does not challenge the reader. The writer does make effective use of pathos to draw the reader in and make them feel what they are talking about. For this type of paper a writer must use all three forms, logos, ethos, and pathos to make an effective argument one way or another on the topic of abortion.

  1. What is your overall impression of the essay? Does the writer motivate you to act or persuade you to agree with his or her point of view? What is the most important revision the writer could make to improve the essay? What is the writer’s biggest strength in the draft?

The writer of this essay makes an important and controversial point with very controversial subject matter. The overall impression that this reader gets is that the writer believes that abortion is wrong and that it should be illegal just as murder is illegal in society. The writer also makes the point of saying that adoption is a viable choice for those mothers who do not wish to keep their babies and backs that up with a good argument. It is clear from the essay that the writer feels strongly on this last point because of their personal connection, being an adopted child themselves, this is their strongest point in the essay. As noted above, a few more scholarly resources or impassioned sources could make the points the writer is trying to make much clearer.

Peer Review Project: Guns on Campuses

  1. Does the writer catch your attention and clearly convey a clear purpose in the introduction? If so, what strategies did he or she use to accomplish this? If not, what suggestions can you provide to strengthen the introduction and clarify the purpose?

The writer of this essay does have a definite ‘hook’ in their very first sentence. However, it is separated from the rest of the introduction standing alone as its own paragraph. The first sentence, and what follows in the succeeding short paragraphs, should be gathered together into a cohesive, concise introductory paragraph to be effective. The introduction is disjointed and lacks a clear and concise thesis statement. The first suggestion here would be to reorganize the ideas that the writer wants to use as the thrust of the essay and combine them all into a concisely written introduction paragraph.

  1. What is the writer’s thesis? What unique angle on the topic does the thesis present? What suggestions can you offer for improving the wording of the thesis?

From reading the entire essay, the writer’s thesis seems to be that concealed weapons should be allowed on campuses but only in the hands of faculty and other responsible adults, not the students. So, the thesis that would be most appropriate in this case might be “Even though concealed weapons are legal within the general populace in some states, the rule on campus should always be ‘no guns allowed’ because students should have no need for personal protection on campus beyond what is provided for by the institution and students do not possess the maturity level generally to responsibly have weapons in their possession which may lead to untoward incidents when mixed with alcohol and uncontrolled tempers.”

  1. What type of support does the writer use? Does this support help to prove the thesis statement? Is research integrated effectively with author tags and effective summaries, paraphrase, or direct quotes? Is the information presented logical and is it explained well? What suggestions can you offer the writer in terms of improving depth of information or presentation of research?

The writer utilizes two sources which do not a lot of context to the essay beyond stating facts. If there were a thesis statement for this essay, the sources noted would be of minimal assistance in proving it. The sources are not of such scholarly levels to afford them any effective integration into the essay other than to present limited information in the form of simple facts. More scholarly resources which make an argument or take a stand on the issue of concealed weapons would help to provide more punch to the essay and make it more well-rounded. Also, as noted above, a clear and concise thesis which is carried out throughout the essay would really tie things together.

  1. Is the paper organized effectively? Does the writer cover one point fully before moving on to the next? Are topic sentences and transitions used to deliver the paper in a coherent manner? What suggestions can you offer to increase organization and structure?

The writer only makes two real points in the entire essay, that college should be a time for forming a basis for future endeavors through higher learning, and that guns have no place in that environment because they only detract and distract students from their purpose in attending college in the first place. In this sense, the paper is organized but there is not much beyond that in the way of content or context to support the writer’s contentions. This essay need more ‘meat’ in the sense that there’s a lot more that can be said about the issue of guns on campuses and the advantages and disadvantages of this practice. The first and best place to start would be to check out peer-reviewed sources on this subject.

  1. How would you describe the style, tone, and word choice used? What strategies does the writer use to connect with the audience? In what ways could the writer better meet the audience’s needs?

The writer uses a somewhat colloquial style to their writing which is fine for a personal commentary but for this purpose, a more academic tone would benefit the writer in getting their points across well. This reader feels a kinship with the writer in what they have written as if this reader has just had a conversation with the writer but for formal essay writing this style does not fit well. The style used does create an informal connection between the writer and reader but that is not the purpose of the essay style. The writer needs to detach themselves from the subject and write from a more objective standpoint to make the connection of an academic. Also, to make the connection through literary style, the writer needs to use the concepts of ethos, pathos, and logos (ethics, emotions, and logic) to improve the style of the essay.

  1. What is your overall impression of the essay? Does the writer motivate you to act or persuade you to agree with his or her point of view? What is the most important revision the writer could make to improve the essay? What is the writer’s biggest strength in the draft?

The writer has a very good basis for an essay here. The problem is that they need to improve the style, impression and generally make the essay fuller and more informative. Start with a solid introduction with a little history, finish it off with a clear, concise statement of what the writer wants to say (thesis), then build the essay from those elements into a concise but well-formed narrative with a strong conclusion. The biggest revision that needs to be made is to start strong with a good introduction and thesis statement. After that is established, the rest of the essay flows forth from there. The strength of this essay is the writer’s clear passion for the topic and their belief in what they are trying to say. The writer has a clear concept to build on and should concentrate on fleshing it out to make a great essay.

  1. References

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